Longer letter later
by Pelham Absalom
Summary: Their love affair ended a hundred years ago but can their story rekindle the passion that John and natalie once shared.


_Author's note: The idea of this came to me through a Steve Warniner song by the same title so while it is not technically a song fic the story is heavily influenced by the lyrics of the song especially in this first chapter. I wanted to get this idea out there and see if it sticks or if it stinks. There may be changes made through the process but to anyone who is kind enough to take the time to read this I hope you will bear with me. Thanks to all_

Natalie looked around the spacious room without taking in any of the details the elegant antique furnishings. She was still numb after her grandfather's unexpected death.

to be dealing with the loss of a man she was only now beginning to know. There hadn't even been time to grieve before BE was thrust into turmoil and she was being bustled onto a plane for London to try and help sort things out.

"Is there anything you need?" Kevin asked gently but she simply shook her head, unable to put into words what she needed. "Okay, well try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be . . . tomorrow will be hard." He gave her a light squeeze before leaving her alone.

She was so tired she had thought she would be asleep before her head hit the pillow but instead she found herself staring at the ceiling. The unfamiliar room and the shock of the past few days had combined to make her feel unbearably lonely she finally reached for her cell phone and after a lengthy battle with herself she dialed the number.

"McBain." He answered curtly and she immediately regretted her weakness in calling him.

"It's me. I'm sorry I didn't mean to bother you . . . I just." She stammered foolishly.

"Natalie. I'm glad you called. I wanted to know that you made it there okay. His voice had softened and she smiled a little for the first time in days. "How are you holding up?"

"Ask me again when this feels real." She attempted a weak laugh.

"I know how hard this must be."

"Yeah, it's just I feel like I was just getting to know my grandfather. I mean it was just a few years ago that he even gave me permission to call him Grandpa."

"He loved you, Natalie."

"I know." She blinked back tears. "I actually enjoyed working for him. He could be demanding and abrasive but I was looking forward to making him proud of me."

"He was proud of you." John assured her and his soft raspy voice began to soothe her strained emotions. "I think he saw a lot of himself in you."

"Really?" She felt childishly pleased by the notion. "You know there was this one day when . . ."

"Hang on." He cut in and she heard a commotion on the line. "Natalie, I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to let you go. It's this case I'm working on."

"You mean Marty Saybrooke's case." She said, ashamed that she was unable to keep a trace of bitterness out of her voice. but it wouldn't be the first time he had to "let her go" for Marty's sake.

"Natalie, your grandfather just died. Do you really want to be doing this now?"

She closed her eyes, hating that condescending tone in his voice that could make her feel petty and ashamed when she just "needed" him. "You're right. I should go." She said and quickly ended the call.

"Damn it, Natalie." John muttered to the dial tone he didn't want to end the call that way. He knew she was hurting. He knew how vulnerable these family issues could make her feel; the strain would play on her insecurities. She needed someone to comfort her and he nearly called her back but then he met Marty's frightened eyes and he shoved the phone back into his pocket. Duty first.

She had been listening to their stories for hours, for days. First with her father and Bo in Llanview, and now with Kevin and Kelly, Joey and everyone else who had known her grandfather so much better and so much longer than she had or ever would. She wished there had been more time and as she listened to their stories she tried to imagne that it was Asa himself telling them. She found it a relief to escape to the solitude of her room.

She sat down at the small cherry desk under the pretense of doing some work but found herself gazing out the window. Her thoughts a million miles away. The shrill ringing of her cell phone startled her.

"Natalie Buchanan." She answered and tried to take in all that the person was saying on the other end. She was growing accustomed to the sound of frantic voices. "Yes, yes, I understand, just calm down and give me a chance to find a pen." She said trying to balance the pone and pull out the stubborn desk drawer as the same time but it was stuck fast. She stood to get better leverage and gave the drawer a final hard yank which sent the drawer and its contents crashing to the floor.

"Damn it! I'll have to call you back." She told the indignant person on the other end. She knelt to retrieve the paperclips and envelopes that were strewn about the room and as she crawled under the desk to retrieve a sheaf of errant paper something drew her eye upward. She found a small stack of cards that had at sometime gotten caught underneath the drawer. She pulled them free and glanced at the postcard. She sat down cross legged in the floor and read the card post marked 1907.

_Dear Annie,_

_I'm sorry, I know it's been a long time but there's so much on my mind. It's fall again. I remember how much you love the fall. I never really understood why but I stepped outside of my tent this morning and I knew it was October. I know that must sound crazy but it's so easy to lose track of time here but as soon as I saw that sky I knew it was October. It's never that shade of blue at any other time. You taught me that. I know that I'm the one who put this distance between us. I was a fool to let you go you must think me audacious at best for sending this letter now. There's so much more to say._

_Longer letter later,_

_J_

She didn't realize how absorbed she was in the letter until she realized how long her cell phone had been ringing. She shoved everything else back into the drawer but the cards she laid gently on the desk. She tried to tell herself that it was just curiosity but in truth the card had struck an emotional chord with her.

She had to wait until the following day before she had a chance to look at the cards again. She sat down in the middle of her bed and laid the cards out in front of her. She read the first card again and she could almost imagine the October sky he was gazing on as he wrote these words. She read the card carefully before moving on to the next one.

_Dear Annie_

_I know I have no right. I set out on this journey because I had some foolish notions about adventure and freedom but it's a long trip alone. I know I made a mess of things and now all I have to show is this brokenness that I feel. I can't expect you to forgive me, only a fool would ask but everything inside me tells me I must try and appeal. Have you found someone? I imagine you with someone else at times, someone whom I know will appreciate you for the truly extraordinary woman that you are. It fills me with a bitterness to which I know I am not entitled and it is at those times that I feel the overwhelming need to put ink to paper in a desperate attempt to remind you of all that we've been through._

_Longer letter later,_

_J_

Natalie felt tears in her eyes and she brushed them away quickly feeling foolish. She may not know who these people were but she could feel his pain. In every word he wrote she could sense his loss and remorse. She reached for the last letter and winced as her cell phone rang. Her irritation quickly changed to pleasure as she saw John's number.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm hanging in there. I'm surprised to hear from you though.."

"Well, I didn't really like the way we left things last time. We're friends, right."

Yeah, we're friends." She said, hoping he wouldn't hear the catch in her voice as she said the word. "And I could certainly use all the distractions I can get at this point. I've even taken to reading other peoples mail." She laughed.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Relax McBain. I'm pretty sure this is out of your jurisdiction. These letters were written like a hundred years ago and I'm not exaggerating."

"I didn't know you were such a history buff." John teased. "Any shocking revelations or state secrets to reveal."

"I don't think these are going to get us on Antiques Roadshow." She laughed. "They're kind of sad really. Here let me read them to you." She read him the two cards she had all ready read. She found that she didn't want to share the last one with him until she had a chance to read it alone. "They really are beautiful, aren't they."

"I suppose." He answered and she could have sworn she heard him yawn.

"You think I'm being silly.'

"I didn't say that. I just don't see the interest I guess."

"But don't you think they sound a lot like . . ." she started and immediately wished she could take back her words.

"Us?" John finished for her. "They're not us, Natalie."

"Of course not." She said trying to hide her embarrassment behind anger. "Because whoever this J is he actually regrets what he's lost."

"Natalie, I can't do this right now."

"I know, you never could." She said and hung up on him. Again. She lowered her face into her hands. "God Natalie, you are such a pathetic loser." She chastised herself for once again losing her control with John McBain. She picked up the last letter, determined to push any last thoughts of John from her mind.

_Dear Annie,_

_Love is a miracle. It can heal a body, a life, a soul. Love is a passionate, willful thing beyond any mans control. I am mot the man I was and I know if you could just see this brand new me you would change your plans. Please wait for me._

_Longer letter later_

_J_

She laid the card to the side as her mind raced. What plans? Had Annie gotten engaged to someone else? Was J able to change her mind or had he lost her forever. She knew that it was silly but she needed to know how their story had ended. She searched through the desk but she couldn't find any more of his cards.

"Natalie, are you ready?" Kevin knocked on her door. She had nearly forgotten about the dinner meeting and she scrambled to appear ready before she opened the door to her brother. "You okay?", he asked, taking in her flushed cheeks

"I'm fine." She smiled. "Kevin, do you know if there was anyone in our family named Annie?"

"Annie? No, I don't think so. Why?"

"I was just curious. I found some old cards in the desk in my room and I just thought maybe it had belonged to someone in the family."

"I doubt it. Most of the furniture comes form antique dealers. That desk could have belonged to anyone."

Natalie tried to concentrate on dinner and the business at hand but her mind kept drifting back to Annie and J. She knew she was obsessing but she couldn't help herself. The sorry state of her love life made her desperate to believe that Annie and J had found each other again. She needed to believe that to restore her faith in love.

She stumbled back into her room well after midnight. The combination of wine and exhaustion making her feel lightheaded and impulsive. She sat down at the desk and read his last letter to Annie. She then pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote her own letter. She wanted J to know that she believed in him and that he shouldn't give up. She wanted them to know that somehow somewhere someone was rooting for them.

_J_

_You don't know me but I know you and Annie. Don't give up on her. You can change her mind I know you can. I would forgive you._

_N_

She put the letter in an envelope and stamped it. She knew it was silly but somehow it made her feel better. She collapsed into bed and dreamed about the striking blue of an October sky and of two young lovers, reunited.

She woke up the next morning and for the first time since she and found the cards she didn't think of Annie and J at all. She decided she must have gotten it out of her system as she got her things together for the day. She noticed the letter still lying on the desk but something didn't seem right. The handwriting was all wrong. She picked the letter up, her hand trembling a little and read the letter inside.

_N,_

_I don't know who you are but if you know Annie then you must know if she is still planning on going through with it? Can you make her listen? Can you help us?_

_Longer letter later,_

_J_


End file.
